


Worth Holding Onto

by carterhack



Category: IT (2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Coming Out, Dealing With Trauma, Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Fix-It, Fluff, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Minor Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Minor Patricia Blum Uris/Stanley Uris, Stanley Uris Lives
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2020-10-13 03:00:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20575337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carterhack/pseuds/carterhack
Summary: Facing a demonic clown and watching the love of your life almost die can really put a new perspective on how you should be living your life.





	1. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Richie,” Eddie said softly, blood gushing from the new gash in his side. Richie stared at the scene played out in front of him. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. God fuck. Fuck. He reached out. He can’t be dead. There’s no way he’s dead. He’s Eddie Kaspbrak. His Eddie Spaghetti. His Eddie. His Eds. He can’t be dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dedicate this to mr richie tozier xoxo

_ Blood. God, there was so much fucking blood. Eddie cried out as Richie ripped his jacket off, pressing it down on the wound hastily. Tears were pouring down his face and his body shook violently. They needed to get him out of there right fucking now. He was losing too much blood. He was going to die if they didn’t get him out of there.  _

“Richie,” A hand was placed on his shoulder and he jumped before turning, sighing in relief once he saw his face. It’s been an intense few days and he couldn’t stop thinking about everything that’s happened and getting absolutely terrified. 

“Stan…” Richie murmured, turning around fully, looking at his best friend with tired eyes.

“When’s the last time you slept?” Stan frowned, looking at him with concern. Richie sighed, looking down. His eyelids felt so heavy, and his limbs felt so weak. He couldn’t even remember the last time he fell asleep. On purpose, anyway.

“I sleep,” Richie said defensively, his voice coming out strained. 

“Yeah, no you don’t,” Stan sighed. “C’mon, I’ll drive you back to the Inn.” It wasn’t a question. Richie groaned as he was pulled through the hospital, watching each room pass by until they were outside in the parking lot.

“My car’s here,” Richie pointed out. Ben had dropped it off for him a day ago. 

“Yeah, but I'm not letting your drive.” Once again, it wasn't a question. Richie found himself sitting in the passenger seat of Stan's car, staring out at the hospital in front of them. He chewed on his lips, tapping on the seat anxiously. He hasn’t left the building since he got there; he was still wearing the same blood-stained button-up he put on a few days ago.

“He's going to be okay,” Stan stared at him, the car not even started yet. Richie looked up at him, trying his best to nod. He didn’t say anything. He couldn’t say anything. He won’t let himself say anything bad nor good about the situation. Sure, the situation was fucking terrible, but saying something bad will just make everything worse. Oppositely, if he stayed too positive he would get his hopes up too much. He decided it was best to just say nothing. 

“I know he’s going to be okay,” Stan said surely, now starting the engine. Richie stared helplessly at the other man before turning to look out the window. How the fuck could stan possibly know that? How was anyone supposed to know what was going to happen? The fucking doctors didn’t even know what was going to happen.

_ Eddie was going to fucking die for him. Eddie dying for him would be the worst possible thing to ever fucking happen, and yet Richie was sure that was going to happen.  _

_ “Richie,” Stan said sternly, momentarily pulling him away from his helpless panic. “We’re going to get him out of here.” Richie looked up at Stan’s stone-cold expression and nodded, wiping at his tears and standing up.  _

_ “He’s still breathing,” Beverly said, looking at Eddie lying on the floor. Richie tried turning towards her voice, but he couldn’t look away from the body that lay bleeding out on the floor. Stan had stabilized him the best he could, knowing exactly what to do to slow down the bleeding. Thank fucking God for Stanley Uris, Richie thought. Without him, Eddie would probably already be dead. Richie didn’t really want to think about that right now. _

_ “Help me pick him up,” Ben said, crouching down and putting his arms under Eddie. Richie swallowed, watching helplessly. They all waited, watching Richie. When he didn’t move, Bill stepped forward and grabbed the other half of him, both of them lifting him up with ease.  _

_ “Richie, come on,” Mike murmured in a small, gentle voice. “He’s going to live.” Richie hated that. He hated having to be reassured that Eddie was going to live. This shouldn’t have happened. He should have just taken Eddie out of that godforsaken town when he had the fucking chance.  _

_ He followed the rest of them out of that stupid fucking lair, making their way back out to the Neibolt house. The clown was finally dead, but Richie felt nothing at that. He just wanted to get Eddie to safety as fast as possible. _

_ “Should we call an ambulance?” Bev asked, pulling out her phone. _

_ “There’s no time,” Stan said. “Everyone meet me at the hospital.” Ben and Bill nodded as Stan opened his car door, placing the body gently in the backseat. Eddie. Placing Eddie in the backseat. Richie stared at the scene in front of him, his stomach dropping. _

_ “Richie,” Stan looked at him. “You’re riding with me.” Richie gave a silent thank you to him before rushing to the front seat, staring back at Eddie the whole time as Stan sped threw the town. It didn’t take that long. Derry was small, and Stan was going well over the speed limit. Once they got there, people were already rushing out to help them. Bev must've called the hospital when they left. When they started wheeling his body away, Stan grabbed his arm and pulled him back. Richie turned to him with anger but deflated when he saw his expression _

_ “They’re going to take care of him but we can’t follow him in there,” Stan said. Richie nodded slowly and the two made it into the waiting room, waiting for everyone else to arrive. They had to sign a lot of papers and answered a lot of questions. The story they came up with ended up being that they were all drinking, and Eddie fell onto a jagged pipe. No one seemed to really believe them considering all six of them were pretty banged up as well, but no one really questioned it. When the doctors finally came out they said that Eddie was in a stable condition. He was in and out of consciousness due to extreme blood loss and a terrible infection. The infection really took his toll on Eddie’s body, though. The doctors tried treating it the best they could, but Richie knew that getting impaled like that then getting dragged through shit water was not good for anything. _

When they go to the Inn, everyone but Mike and Bill, who were back at the hospital, sat around in the lobby area talking in hushed voices. Richie could barely make out his own name before everyone silenced.

“Richie!” Patty greeted, getting up from her spot next to Audra and coming over to him, wrapping her arms around him. Audra, from her spot, looked up and gave him a small nod and a smile. The two women had been extremely kind throughout the entire thing. When Patty arrived with Stan everyone was wary of telling her what was going on, but she didn’t press too much for more information. She simply came to support her husband, even staying at the Inn when they all went out to fight It. She was incredibly sweet and caring throughout everything that has happened. Audra came the following morning after Eddie was admitted into the hospital. She was a lot more straight to the point and forward, but Richie still found her sincere and comforting nonetheless. 

“My love,” Richie grinned, kissing her cheek. “You waited for me.” Patty pulled away and laughed before turning and pressing a kiss to her husband’s lips. Richie smiled at her and Stan before turning to the others. 

“You finally left the hospital,” Audra observed. Richie nodded, walking over to her.

“That I did, m’ lady,” He leaned down to kiss her cheek. Everyone was laughing good-naturedly, and Ben wrapped his arms around Bev jokingly. Richie didn’t quite understand that. He was too busy with Eddie the past few days that he hadn’t realized much of what was going on for the rest of the group, but he knew that those two were kind of inseperable right now.

“Worried I’m going to steal your girl too, haystack?” Richie teased, blowing a kiss to her. She laughed and mimicked catching it and holding it to her heart. 

“You ever gonna get your own girl, Rich?” Ben teased. It was a simple joke, nothing meant to hurt him, but Richie felt his stomach twist. Here he was, forty years old and in the goddamn closet. It may have been a stupid thing to be worried about considering everything else, but Richie really wished he could just tell people he was fucking gay without all the inner turmoil. 

“What’s the fun in that when I can steal all your guys’s,” Richie shot him a wink. Everyone was laughing again, and the sound was almost nice to hear except for the fact that he was sick of this entire into woman schtick. 

“Richie if you don’t go clean yourself up I am going to give you a sponge bath,” Stan cleared his throat, staring at him with a challenging expression. Richie let out a small exhale, mouthing a thank you before turning and bounding up the stairs, getting as far away from the others as possible. Once again, he was grateful for his best friend. Because that’s what Stanley Uris was, his best friend. They could go through years of not remembering each other and go through hell together, and in the end he’s Richie’s best friend. Richie sighed once he got up to his door, staring at it. 

“You can tell them,” He jumped at Stan’s voice for the second day before turning around and leaning on the door, running a hand through his grimy hair. 

“Tell them what?” He laughed nervously, keeping his voice quite enough even though he knew no one could hear them from up there.

“Don’t deflect with me,” Stan deadpanned, crossing his arms and raising his eyebrows. He didn’t look mad or annoyed, though. He looked concerned and sympathetic. Everyone kept looking at him like that and he hated it, but Richie knew this was different entirely.

“I can’t even say it out loud to  _ you _ ,” Richie stared at him. It was true, he hadn’t actually told Stan the full truth. He doesn’t even think he’s ever said the words “I’m gay” out loud before other than in jokes.

“You can,” Stan nodded, letting his arms fall to his sides. “I know you can.”

“You don’t,” Richie shook his head, his eyes stinging. He was  _ not _ going to cry right now. 

“I do,” Stan looked at him. “I know you.” It was true, Stan did know him. Richie didn’t have to say it outloud for Stan to understand him. He knew Richie was gay and in love Eddie without Richie ever having to say it himself. Hell, he probably knew before Richie knew. 

“So you know I’m a pussy,” Richie laughed dryly.

“So I know you should be proud of who you are,” Stan looked at him. “I know that you were really brave when we were fighting It, and if you can face all that, then you can come out to your friends who love you.” 

_ The ritual didn’t work and now him and Eddie had gotten split up from the rest of the group. Richie thought they were going to die together. That would be kind of beautiful and ironic and terrifying, to die with the man he first fell in love with. Maybe Pennywise was secretly a poet. _

_ When the got to the doors, Richie’s stomach twisted. He was brought back to twenty-seven years ago when him and Bill had faced the same doors. He remembered suddenly what had happened, and felt sick before suggesting they go into the very scary door. Eddie, of course, was less than thrilled but he agreed with him.  _

_ When the door opened, Richie stared into it, looking at what was in front of him for a moment. Goddamnit, of course it was a fucking closet. Maybe Pennywise was a fucking poet. He stared out at the open closet, shaking slightly. Somehow the legs of Betty Ripson that followed were less scary than the insinuation of that closet.  _

“I’ll think about it, Stan,” Richie forced a smile. “Now, shoo, I have to clean myself up so I look half as decent as Ben, down there.” He winked before opening the room door, shutting it behind him. He sighed, pressing his back against the door and clicking the lock. He was not in the mood for another heart to heart. He moved away from the door, looking around the room. His stuff was all neatly in his bag, sitting on the edge of the bed. He knew that he absolutely did not leave it like that. Goddamnit, Stanley.

Richie picked out a pair of clean sweatpants, a pair of boxers, and a sweatshirt before walking into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door. He placed the clothes on the toilet seat before turning the water on. He listened to the water run, allowing himself to look in the mirror. Wow, he really looked like shit. His eyes were bloodshot with dark bags to much, and he was still very much covered in dirty sewer water and blood. He took his glasses off slowly, placing them on the side of the sink. He turned away from the mirror, pulling off his clothes and tossing them onto the floor before stepping into the shower. 

He sighed at the feel of hot water on his skin, leaning back slightly. He shut his eyes, letting the water roll over him for a moment before he opened them again, picking up a mini bottle of shampoo that was placed in there. He squeezed some out onto his hand, rubbing it into his scalp vigorously. He watched as a red brown color swirled around at his feet before doing down the drain. He looked away from it, grabbing a cloth and the body wash. He scrubbed his body down, again watching the blood and grime wash off him. He clenched his fists slightly before aggressively scrubbing at his fingernails, getting every ounce of Eddie’s blood off of him. 

He swallowed, shutting the water off and pulling back the curtain, wrapping the towel that was hanging behind the door around himself. He dried himself off enough before throwing it over the side of the bathtub, walking back over to the mirror. He shoved his glasses on his face, opening up the bag on the counter that held his toothbrush and other bathroom shit. He pulled out a razor and shaving cream. He might as fucking well.

“You clean up nicely, Richie,” Bill nodded towards him once he got back down to the lobby. All of them were sitting down there still as if waiting for him. God, they all were really great people. If only he could just tell them without freaking the fuck out. 

“Thanks, Billiam,” Richie blew him a kiss. “I always knew you were secretly wanted to fuck me.” He blew him a kiss, causing an eye roll.

“Beep beep, Richie,” Bill said, smiling. Richie laughed and walked over to the group.

“Any word from the hospital?” He asked. It made him nervous knowing no one was at the hospital with Eddie. He really should go back.

“I called them, he’s sleeping,” Mike nodded. 

“Are you okay, Rich?” Bev asked him, removing her head from Ben’s shoulder and giving him a look of concern. 

“I’m fantastic, Miss Marsh,” He grabbed her hand and kissed it. 

“See you’re still a womanizer,” Mike laughed, causing Richie to stiffen somewhat and Stan to snort. He really needed to say something. If he didn’t say anything he’d just be stuck playing a character who wasn’t him. He was sick of playing characters.

“Actually,” Richie cleared his throat, walking into the middle of the room, causing everyone to look at him. He made eye contact with Stan, who gave him a small smile and a nod. Richie took a deep breath. Fuck it, these people were family to him. Even Audra and Patty, two people he met only days ago, felt closer to him than anyone he’d ever worked with. “I need to get something off my chest.” Everyone was looking at him silently, waiting. He performed on stage for a living, and he’d never even felt a stage fright like this.

“Well,” He bounced on the heels of his feet, digging his nails into his palms.  _ I know your secret, your dirty little secret.  _ He swallowed thickly, shaking the memory out of his head. “Unfortunately for all of the women here, I don’t actually like any women at all, in fact…” He shut his eyes momentarily. Say it, he urged himself. You have to say it, for you. Be proud of who you are, remember? God, he felt like he was going to throw up for what seemed like the hundredth time that week. 

“I’m gay,” He choked out, opening his eyes back up. “A flaming homo, if you will.” Everyone was staring at him with wide-eyes and open mouths, and for a moment Richie felt like running out of the room until they were all crowded around him. There were a lot of tears and “I'm proud of you”s, and it was honestly kind of overwhelming. He didn’t realize that he, himself, was crying. 

“I knew you could do it,” Stan whispered in his ear. Richie almost cried like a baby. He only wished Eddie was here. Eddie… He shook his head. One emotional journey at a time, Tozier. Amongst the chaos, Richie hadn’t even realized that Mike had split off until he was back in the room with his phone at his hand, looking directly at Richie. 

“It’s Eddie,” He said. Richie’s stomach dropped to his feet. “He’s asking to see you.” Richie breathed out in relief and he nodded.

“I’ll drive you,” Bev smiled at him. Richie nodded, walking with her out of the building.

“I’m proud of you,” She said again, pulling out a pack of cigarettes from her back pocket. “I’m serious, this has been a shitty week and it must’ve been really hard for you to admit that after everything that happened.” She put a cigarette to her lips, handing him one. He took it and she lit both of them.

“Yeah, thanks,” He nodded, putting the cigarette to his mouth and inhaling. He still could not believe he did that. He was still shaking slightly as he blew out the smoke, getting into the passenger seat of her car. She slid next to him, rolling the windows down and starting the car. “It… Pennywise, he kept taunting me about it.” He swallowed before taking another drag from the cigarette. 

“I’m so sorry, Richie,” She started down the road, turning to him for a moment before looking back at the road. “I can’t imagine what that was like.”

“Surprisingly, this shitshow had a slightly weird outcome,” Richie sucked in then blew out. “Before this, I think I would have died without ever saying what I just said back there.” He sighed because it was true. Maybe it took being almost outed by a murderous clown spider demon and watching your childhood first love almost die to come to terms with yourself. 

“Really fucked up silver lining?” She shrugged, puffing out smoke. 

“Really fucked up silver lining,” Richie agreed, turning out towards the window and watching the buildings passed. His nerves got worse the closer they got and by the time they were in the hospital parking lot he was a wreck.

“I’m gonna wait out here for the others,” Bev said. He hadn’t realized the others were even all coming. “You gone in there.” He nodded slowly, not liking the fact that he was going alone, before turning and walking up to the hospital. He put the cigarette out, tossing it out before walking into the building.

“Richie Tozier,” A nurse greeted. Most of the nurses knew his name, he’d stayed here every night Eddie was admitted. “Here to see Eddie?” Of course I’m here to fucking see Eddie, he though. Who else would he fucking see? He nodded. She smiled and led him to his room. He already knew the way, of course, but having someone else with him was somewhat comforting. 

“Richie’s here,” The nurse said to Eddie as she opened the door. “I’ll be back later to check on you.” Richie smiled to her as she left before walking into the room.

“Hey, Eds,” Richie smiled, walking over to the bed and sitting down. He’d been in the room on and off for days, but Eddie has never been fully awake. Usually he’s asleep or half way, but now he was sitting up and looking at Richie with a soft smile that made his heart melt. “Wanted to see me?” 

“Yeah,” He nodded. “It was weird not having you here.” He could see that that wasn’t all he wanted to say, but Richie nodded and sat down on a chair next to the bed, the chair he spent the past few days.

“I was cleaning up for you, Spaghetti Man,” He smirked, leaning forward on his arms, placing his head on the side of the bed. Eddie chuckled, yawning.

“You look good,” He mumbled tiredly. Richie averted his eyes, coughing awkwardly and fixing his glasses. He needed to relax, he was acting as if he were thirteen fucking years old again.

“Your mom thought so, too,” Richie laughed. Eddie stared at him with intensity. Richie swallowed 

_ “Richie,” Eddie said softly, blood gushing from the new gash in his side. Richie stared at the scene played out in front of him. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. God fuck. Fuck. He reached out. He can’t be dead. There’s no way he’s dead. He’s Eddie Kaspbrak. His Eddie Spaghetti. His Eddie. His Eds. He can’t be dead.  _

_ They moved the body way, setting him down. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. He didn’t know what anyone was saying. He didn’t even know what he was saying. All he knew was that he was ripping his jacket off, pressing it down against the wound, blood soaking through it at an alarming rate. _

_ “Richie I have to tell you something…” Eddie mumbled. Richie stared at him. Oh god. God, no. God, fuck. Fuck. These could be Eddie’s last words. He may never speak again. Richie felt like he was going to throw up. _

_ “I fucked your mom…” He giggled quietly until he was unconscious.  _

“I can't believe your last words were going to be a joke about my mom,” Richie shook his head, dread swarming his insides from just the thought of that time. 

“Who says it was a fucking a joke?” Eddie cracked a weak smile. “It was a dying confession.” 

“Shit, Eds,” Richie laughed. “If you keep it up you’re gonna have to take my place on my show.”

“Fuck off,” Eddie mumbled. “You don’t even write your own jokes.”

“Ouch,” Richie clutched at his chest. “Just hit me where it hurts like that.” Eddie lifted up his arm, flipping him the bird. 

“All I’d have to do is make sex jokes a lot and I’d steal your branding in no time,” Eddie shook his head, smiling. “You know, even though you don’t write the material it has your core humor down: sex and women.” Richie swallowed, turning away. He had already said it to a room full of people. It should be easier with Eddie. He was Eddie, at one point in his life he could tell him anything. Well, not anything, but a lot. 

“I’m honoured that you watch my show, Eds,” He shifted, sitting up. “But I think my humors changed since then.” 

“Oh yeah?” Eddie raised his eyebrows. He looked so tired. Richie wondered if he should just leave and come back later, but he knew that would be the cowards choice. Bravery was so fucking hard.

“Yeah, I think I now prefer making jokes about having sex with men,” Richie said, tapping his fingers against the bottom of his chair.

“Sex… with men?” Eddie frowned. “What the fuck are you talking about?” Richie sighed.

“Well, Eddie Spaghetti,” Richie cracked a smile. “It turns out your mom’s really bad in bed because I ended up being a flaming homosexual.” God, that was fucking hard, but now it was out there in the open, hanging in the air.

“Holy shit,” Eddie looked at him. Richie prayed that was a good holy shit. “Richie.” 

“Eddie,” He mimicked, looking away and not meeting his eyes.

“When did you know?” He asked. Richie looked back at him. Maybe it was the adrenaline of coming out to eight different people today, or maybe he decided to take this bravery thing way too far, but he answered.

“When I was thirteen,” He looked into his eyes now. Fuck killer clowns and death and being in the closet. “I had a crush on one of my best friends, he was a short mouthy little motherfucker who kicked me in the face when we shared a hammock once.” Eddie stared at him, eyes wide.

“I thought I was dead,” Eddie said, and, woah, mood killer. 

“Wow, Eds,” Richie said sarcastically. “I had no idea.” Eddie groaned and hit him.

“Will you just shut the fuck up and let me speak,” He said in annoyance. 

“Right,” Richie nodded. “Go ahead.”

“I almost died and I didn’t think about anyone but one person,” Eddie shifted. “Not my wife, not any of my friends,” He paused.

“I thought about you,” He said. “And I thought about how I loved you when we were kids and it terrified me and then I moved away and forgot about you but then I saw you again and everything seemed to rush back, and I thought about how you’d never know any of that and no one would ever know I was gay and I’d die with all of it.” Richie blinked. Holy shit. Holy shit, definitely in a good way.

“Move with me to California,” He blurted, his heart suddenly bursting with emotion. To hell with parting ways. Not after all of this. 

“What the fuck?” Eddie stared at him.

“I’m serious,” He stood up, his adrenaline rushing. “Move to California with me. You almost died, hell, we both could of died. Do you really want to go back to the way things were after that? Or do you want to just say ‘fuck it, I almost died’?” Eddie hesitated before replying slowly.

“I have a… wife,” He almost seemed to flinch as he said the word. “And a job, and uh… a life.” Richie studied him. Something told him he didn’t really like any of the words he just said. 

“I don’t know about the wife…” Richie said slowly. “Listen all I know is I can get you a job, I can help with divorce lawyers, fuck, I can help with all of it, but only if you wanna fuckin’ do it.” He probably looked insane, waving his arms around like a maniac. Hell, he felt like insane. Eddie stared at him with wide eyes before swallowing audibly.

“Fuck it,” He mumbled before raising his voice. “Fuck it, I hate my fucking life, Richie.” Richie’s heart was racing. He had no fucking idea what was happening, but he absolutely loved it. 

“Okay,” Richie nodded. “Fuck yeah, okay, you’re going to move to California with me!”

“I’m gonna fucking move to California with you!” Eddie agreed, now looking as crazy as Richie felt. He was just about to rush up and do something crazier like kiss Eddie’s cheek when the door swung open, revealing the nurse from before.

“Eddie Kaspbrak?” She asked sweetly. They both turned to her.

“Yeah?” He asked.

“It’s your wife,” She smiled at him. “She’s here.” Neither Richie nor Eddie were smiling at that news. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like it please feel free to leave a comment :)


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'm sitting in a hospital bed from a near-death experience, my wife is standing outside, there's blood dripping down your face,” Richie blinked at the words. He hadn't realized that he was bleeding. He looked down at his shirt. So much for changing into clean clothes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suicide tw !!! i do briefly talk about suicide !

_ Honestly, Richie really fucking hated Sonia Kaspbrak with a burning passion. Who did she think she was hurting Eddie likes this? Telling him he was weak and forcing him to be scared of the outside world? To be scared of himself! It just wasn’t right. Richie hated it. He hated it so much.  _

“Eddie bear!” The nickname alone made the back of Richie’s mouth taste like bile. He wrinkled his nose, looking at the big women in front of him. They weren’t the same person, but looking at her suddenly made him feel every single negative emotion he’s ever felt towards Sonia Kaspbrak. 

“Myra…” Eddie said in a quiet, almost scared voice, and, fuck if that didn’t make Richie want to punch the woman right then and there.

“What happened?!” She rushed to his side, looking at him with wild eyes. Richie remembered the look from back when they were kids and Eddie had broken his arm. God, Eddie really had to deal with all of this bullshit again, huh? Once upon a time, Richie had promised he would help Eddie through all this shit, but now he realized he’d been dealing with this all alone for years. 

_ “She just…” Eddie waved his good arm around in frustration, groaning. “You know?” Richie was staring at him, nodding along slowly. He really hated how upset Eddie’s mom made him. Some days he wished he could scoop Eddie up and take him far away. Away from Sonia. Away from all of the bullies. Away from the fucking clown… from Derry. Away from everything bad.  _

_ “Yeah,” He sighed, pulling him closer slightly and putting his arm around him because it was just the two of them, and he knew it calmed both of them down. “I do.” _

_ “She’s so relentless…” Eddie shook his head. “I understand trying to protect me but this is so fucking… much.” It was too much, Richie agreed. It was all too much. Eddie didn’t deserve any of this. Any. Of. It. Eddie deserved, honestly, the world. Though he could never say that. _

_ “We will be eighteen soon,” Richie murmured. “Then you’ll be done with all of this bullshit.” _

_ “We’re thirteen, Richie,” Eddie laughed.  _

_   
_ _ “SO?” Richie frowned.  _

_ “That’s five years!” Eddie shook his head. “That’s not close at all!”  _

_ “It’s five now,” Richie stared at him seriously. “Then it’ll be four, then three… then two and one, and I’ll be here for all of them. Every fucking year.” Eddie stared at Richie with large, curious eyes before turning away. _

_ “Yeah, whatever, asshole,” Eddie mumbled. “I just want my mom to stop being like this now.” _

_ “I know, Eds,” Richie sighed. “Me too.” He did, so much. He promised himself he’d get Eddie away from all of this shit as soon as he could. Sure with not the same reasons that made his face heat and his stomach turn, but feelings aside he was going to help Eddie.  _

“We were drunk… and messing around,” Eddie waved his hand in dismissal. “I’m fine.” Myra shook her head, placing her hands on his shoulders. 

“Clearly you’re not, Eddie Bear,” She said. Richie was already glaring at her. “You know you’re weak, Eddie, you shouldn’t be doing these sorts of things!” Richie had no idea what the things she was referring to were, but he was angry nonetheless. 

“He’s not weak.” Richie found himself saying, and fuck it felt so good for some weird poetic reason. He should have called Sonia out many years ago and somehow telling this to Myra had the same sense of satisfaction. Probably because they were basically the same woman.

“Excuse me?” Myra turned to him. “What do you know about my Eddie?” Eddie looked up helplessly, opening his mouth to say something. He looked scared; terrified. Richie cleared his throat. 

“He isn’t yours,” Richie gave her a challenging stare. “He isn’t fucking property.” She gasped, staring at him with such intense furiousness that for a second Richie almost felt as scared as he had been in down in Pennywise’s lair. 

“He’s my husband,” She seethed, stepping forward. Richie almost gagged; she even had the absolute repulsiveness of Sonia.

“Have you known him for over three decades?” Richie stepped forward as well, raising his eyebrows. God, he was an idiot. “Do you know that he’s the bravest and strongest fucking person I know?” 

“He's sick-” Myra began, causing Richie to clench his fists and step forward. 

“Really? He's really fucking sick?” He was practically yelling now. “How is he sick, Myra? I would like to fucking know. Because the only person in this room that seems to be sick is you.” 

“How dare you-” She started, but Richie wasn't done. He was nowhere near being done. 

“Honestly, Myra, fuck you,” Richie seethed. “Fuck you. Fuck you. Eddie Kaspbrak is not some sick little kid. He wasn't when he was a kid being treated like this with Sonia and he is sure as fuck isn't now.” He was shaking with anger, the only thing keeping him grounded was Eddie's hand reaching out and touching his arm.

“What the hell is going on here?” She stared between the two suspiciously. “Eddie bear what are you doing?” 

“He's upgrading,” Richie said, a glimmer of amusement in his eyes. “Or should I say downgrading since I'm like a tenth of your size-” Fuck. Pain shot through his face like a bullet as he stumbled back.

“What the fuck-” Richie groaned, looking up. “She punched me. She fucking punched me.” 

“Get out Myra,” Eddie stared at the women.

“Eddie I-” She frowned.

“I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!” Eddie screamed, surprising Richie more than the punch. Scared, Myra stumbled out of the hospital room, slamming the door.

“Shit, Eds…” Richie mumbled. Eddie sighed. 

“This is fucked up, Richie,” Eddie looked up. “Everything. You know how much we'd have to do to be together?” He shifted on the bed, flinching. 

“I'm sitting in a hospital bed from a near-death experience, my wife is standing outside, there's blood dripping down your face,” Richie blinked at the words. He hadn't realized that he was bleeding. He looked down at his shirt. So much for changing into clean clothes. 

“We should've run away together as kids,” Richie said.

“But we didn't.” He answered.

“I wish we could go back,” He said back.

“But we can't,” Eddie looked at him. “We can't go back and we can’t just run away together and forget everything that’s happened.” 

“I know,” Richie sat back down on the bed, removing his button-up and holding it to his face. For some reason, the setting felt comical and Richie almost laughed. “But it'd sure as hell be nice.” 

“It would,” Eddie agreed. “And maybe someday we can move to California together. But first, we have to deal with all this shit.” Eddie was so smart, Richie thought. He kind of wanted to kiss him for it. He didn't, though. All in good time.

“Can we get a dog?” Richie smiled. Eddie laughed. 

“As long as it isn't a fucking pomeranian,” He said. Richie shook his head. 

“Aw, c'mon, Eds,” He looked at him, tilting his head and smiling. “You don't want a demon dog?”

“Shut up,” Eddie rolled his eyes. Richie pulled out his phone. “What are you doing?” 

“I'm finding a pomeranian for sale, obviously,” Richie grinned. Eddie pushed his phone from his hand, holding back a smile. 

“I'm going to kill you,” Eddie was laughing now.

“How come one of us always has to be dead?” Richie laughed. Eddie shoved him, and then they were two grown-ass men wrestling around in a hospital bed. They would probably look absolutely insane to anyone else if they walked into the room. Even Richie felt pretty insane, but Eddie was smiling. He'd do a thousand insane things if it meant Eddie was smiling. 

* * *

_ Patty pulled Richie aside in the hallway a couple of days after the incident. Richie hadn't been outside of Eddie's room more than what he had to and he was anxious to get back, but she looked so small and scared. It made Richie's heart break.  _

_ “You're Stan's best friend.” She said it seriously. She wasn't asking, she was telling. _

_ “Aw well, thanks, Pat-” _

_ “That's why I'm telling you this,” She grabbed Richie's arm, looking him in the eyes. He hadn't realized how red and puffy her eyes were.  _

_ “Before.. we came here…” She struggled to say her words, looking away. “He hurt himself… he-he thought it would help. All of you. If he didn't come back….” She hiccuped, tears running down her face.  _

_ “He tried to kill himself…” Richie whispered, the words dawning on him. Immediately, he regretted saying the words out loud. Patty's eyes widened before she broke out into messy sobs.  _

_ “Woah, Woah,” He stepped forward, wrapping his arms around the woman. “He's okay… he's going to be okay.” The words didn't stop him from crying along with her. _

* * *

“Why the hell are you bleeding?” Stan asked, staring at Richie’s face in horror. “And who’s that woman who just came out of Eddie’s room looking all pissed off?” Richie sighed, leaning back against the wall. It was cold against his back, and it really felt good. He even allowed himself to close his eyes for a second. Before Stan was shoving him lightly.

“You need to fucking sleep,” He said sternly.

“So I’ve heard,” Richie laughed without amusement. His eyes felt so heavy. 

“I’m serious, I’m going to drug you if you don’t sleep,” He crossed his arms over his chest. Richie’s eyes wandered over Stan’s arms, taking note of the bandages on his wrists. He blinked, turning away.

“Eddie’s getting discharged tonight,” He mumbled, staring at the vending machines with newfound intensity.

“Really?” Stan looked at Richie for a moment before stepping forward, placing a hand lightly on his arm. “That’s great.” 

“Yeah,” Richie nodded, keeping his eyes fixated on the Starbucks drinks in the far right corner of one of the machines. “And I’ll sleep once he’s back at the Inn.” He walked forward to the machine, fumbling around for his wallet.

“Just… don’t overexert yourself, okay?” Stan said. Richie nodded, opening up his wallet and digging through it. Huh. No Money. That wasn’t something he’d have to deal with in a while. Not that he was some snobby rich asshole, but he had been doing pretty well for himself and he usually had some cash in his wallet.

“I won’t, promise,” Richie gave his best grin, causing Stan to roll his eyes slightly.

“You will but that’s why you have me as a friend,” Stan handed him the amount he money he needed before turning and walking back down the hallway. Richie smiled.

“And I sure am glad about it!” He called back before getting his caramel frappuccino. 

* * *

“How does it feel to finally be a free man?” Richie asked dramatically as soon as the hospital doors opened. 

“I feel tired,” Eddie said honestly, staying close to Richie as they walked through the dark parking lot. “Hey, where is everyone?” 

“They’re all at the Inn,” He studied Eddie’s face. Eddie was fine with them being alone, right? He was constantly alone with Eddie in the hospital room, and that afternoon couldn’t have changed all that. 

“Oh, okay,” Eddie nodded, walking ahead to lean on Richie’s car. Richie frowned but followed after him, unlocking the door. 

“You’re okay, right?” Richie asked once they settled into the car, placing the bag of medications in the backseat and glancing over at the other man nervously.

“Yeah,” Eddie nodded tiredly. “I probably just need some rest.” Richie nodded, starting the car. He didn’t want to say it, but he knew he needed rest too. Stan had been hounding him to sleep since Eddie had been admitted, but he was right. He really needed to get some rest, and he hoped that with Eddie okay he’d finally be able to. 

The ride to the Inn was painfully silent. Richie didn’t really know what to say after that afternoon, and he wasn’t sure Eddie did either. What were you supposed to say after declaring your love to your childhood best friend after he almost died only to be interrupted by his wife? It was all a lot. He’d turned the radio on halfway through, but Eddie had turned it down so low that you could barely hear it. Richie swallowed, tapping on the steering wheel nervously until he pulled into the parking lot. 

“All the lights are off,” Eddie commented, looking up at the building.

“They’re probably all asleep,” Richie looked up.

“Or trying to sleep,” Eddie frowned, but didn’t comment further as he got out of the car. Richie watched him before slowly getting out behind him, grabbing Eddie’s things. Richie followed him silently, but as soon as the doors opened to the dark room, Eddie was grabbing his arm.

“Come on,” Richie said reassuringly, leading him up to Eddie’s room.

“Wait,” Eddie said, looking up. “Can I…” He looked down the dark hallway. 

“You can stay in my room,” Richie offered. Stan had Patty in his room the entire trip, and after everything went down Bev had taken up to staying in Ben’s room. Richie was even pretty sure Mike was staying in Bill’s and Audra’s room. 

“Would that be okay?” Eddie asked, shifting uncomfortably. 

“Of course,” Richie nodded, opening the door to his room. Eddie followed after him and Richie closed the door. Richie handed him his bag, motioning towards the bathroom.

“I’ll fix up the bed,” Richie said. Eddie nodded, disappearing into the bathroom. Richie turned back towards the bed, evening up the pillows and fixing the blankets. He sat down on the bed, and after a moment Eddie came out in fresh-looking pajamas and minty breath. 

“You can’t wear that to sleep,” Eddie frowned, staring at him.

“Why not?” Richie looked back at him. “I changed this afternoon.”

“You’re covered in dried blood, that’s fucking disgusting,” Eddie shook his head.

“Well, I don’t have any other clothes,” Richie answered back. Eddie just rolled his eyes, tossing him a white hoodie. 

“And brush your teeth,” He said.

“Yes, sir,” Richie stood up, saluting. Eddie rolled his eyes but he could see a hint of a smile. He saw that as a victory, marching into the bathroom. When he came out of the bathroom, Eddie was already laying in the bed. Richie walked over awkwardly, pulling back the blankets and laying down next to him. Silence filled the room before Eddie turned to look at him. 

“Goodnight, Eds,” Richie smiled.

“Richie,” Eddie mumbled, closing his eyes.

“What?” Richie whispered. 

“Don’t call me Eds,” He whispered back drowsily. “You know I… I…” Then he fell asleep. Richie smiled, brushing his hair back. It wasn’t long before he was falling asleep too, and it was the most peaceful sleep he’d had since they came back to Derry. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long I'm so lazy and depressed. But, anyway, if you liked it be sure to leave a comment i love those ;)


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